Not so sound-proof...

Being at Plattsburgh State for almost a full two semesters now, I could count on one hand how many times I have gone to the library on one hand. Actually, I only need two fingers.
That second finger would be used for today. The first was used Saturday, when I met a girl from my magazine class to work on a class project.
While there Saturday, I discovered the library's study carrels. They are very small rooms, with a door, desk, window, and light. "Perfect," I thought.
My roommate very seldom leaves the dorm room, and when it comes to my writing, especially poetry, and even more so with slam poetry, it's easiest to write when I am alone in a quiet area, where I can read and think aloud.
So, for the two slam poems that I had been working on, and finished today, I went to the study carrel to work on them.
After working on my magazine project, I switched over to my slam poem about the current events. I basically had all my writing done with, hence the reason I was up much later than I had wanted to be last night. However, since it was an ungodly hour, and I was in bed, I wasn't able to read it out loud. So, I figured, in this little study carrel, was a great way to perform.
Little did I know, that the walls in front, and behind, me are not attached to the outer vertical wall, leaving a gap, allowing the study carrels on either side of me to hear my 'little performance.'
How did I come across this discovery, you ask? It was when a guy in the carrel in front of me, coughed, and it sounded like he was sitting by my side. It was then that my poem came to a halt, I leaned to the left, and noticed these gaps in front, and behind, me.
Needless to say, I was embarrassed but knew that it could get worse. So, I packed up my things and discreetly exited my carrel before my two 'study buddies' discovered my identity.

As we all know:

May 1, 2011, will be remembered as the day in which Osama Bin Laden was killed by the US Navy Seals after almost 10 years of hiding since the attack on the World Trade Center.
Honestly, all the words that I want to say are a mess at the moment. I am sticking to my private journal. Paper and pen is the way to go, and I hope an awesome poem comes out of this.
God Bless America.

Be careful what you wish for.

This semester, I have said, numerous times, how I want to get hit by a car. Yes, I'm insane, I realize this. But, I said it due to immense amounts of stress and 'FML" moments. Also, I had those emo moments where I just wanted to get pummeled by a dumb-ass student driver in a hick, rusty truck. I figured the quick hit would just be better than dealing with all that I have been. But, for all concerned, which is...no one, I am happy to be breathing tonight.
Anyways, today I had to work from 11-4. I woke up at 10isham to the beautiful sunshine seeping through the crevices and spaces in my dorm room window's blinds. The sunshine tends to diminish the depression. Not all, but most, and I am thankful for that. (It's supposed to rain all week, and I'm PMSing; I'm slightly worried for my sanity.)
Due to the sunshine, I decide to walk to work. Also, I knew that I would be busy and exhausted later on today, so I wouldn't have time, or energy, to run. I figured I would get my exercise in and walk to work!
Well, as I'm walking up Cornelia Street, there's a woman, mother-like, driving her dark-blue mini-van, exiting Burger King's drive-thru/parking lot. She's on her cell phone, looking left at the traffic passing by, keeping her from being able to pull out.
I, walking up on her right, have the right-away, since she's stopped, in a drive-way, awaiting a clearance to enter the street, and I'm the pedestrian. Driver yield to pedestrians. That's just how it goes.
Well, Miss. Mini-van Mom, decides to creep up, and gain speed, towards Cornelia, while I am in front of her. Not only does she hit me, but she keeps going, her head still looking left, and her big mouth still gabbing.
I was unable to move forward, nor backward, because her van is pushing me forward, into Cornelia street, and beginning to run my over. As I am getting more and more under her car, I am beating her hood. It took a good 3-4 hits on her hood to break her attention from whoever she was talking to on the phone and from whatever she was looking at on her left, to realize that there was a teenager wrapped around the front of her soccer-mom mini van.
Well, the look on her face was ridiculous. I want to say it was funny, and I suppose it was, but really, I should have laid that woman out on her back. Instead, she slammed on her breaks (naturally), and I continued walking in my direction as she rolled her window down screaming, "I'm so sorry!" I laughed, I think because of her stupidity, and just told her it was okay, and kept walking.
Standing for5 hours at work, where the line at Subway was non-stop, was terrible. I was limping the whole time, and I was getting shooting pains through my legs. Granted, that wasn't from Miss. Mini-van Mom, I mean she didn't help, but it is mostly due to the fact that I have shin splints.
Needless to say, walking back to campus from work, I took note of every single mini-van and walked much more cautiously.
Oh my goodness! How could I forget Mr. Burger Man?!
Mr. Burger Man was the eye-witness! After this whole...event, as I continued walking in my destined direction, I spotted Mr. Burger Man, sitting in the driver seat of his parked car in the Burger King lot, looking out his windshield, which was facing Miss. Mini-van Mom's and mine direction, eating a burger. However, when I looked at him, he had both hands wrapped around those sesame seed buns, with his jaw dropped, and it wasn't dropped to take in that meaty beef.
His facial expression was, indeed, priceless.
Thank you Mr. Burger Man for making that awful event somewhat hysterical.

Putting some creativity into an assignment:

All week, I had a growing excitement for Saturday night. I was growing anxious to sit in that odd-shaped room waiting to be inspired. When I should have been doing homework, I caught myself going on youtube.com and searching, "slam poetry," and, "buddy wakefield." The first I watched was "The Information Man." I instantly loved it, and through my tears Saturday night, I smiled while he performed it.

Inspiration wasn't experienced, it was a reminder. A reminder to let go and live. That being yourself is not bad. That people make mistakes and they may, or may not, be forgiven. Regardless, it can't hold a person back. Don't look back; don't wait; let it, whatever the 'it' may be, catch up.

Salvation wasn't experienced, it was an option. An option to believe in a higher power, but to not let it take control, or to alter a personality. A person should hold the steering wheel to their own life, not an unknown god.

Preaching wasn't part of the experience, learning was. The audience was taught how to breathe. Don't take a breath for granted, or just inhale and exhale. Inhale allowing it to fill your chest and seep into your heart, flooding its core. Exhale allowing all the pain, stress, and worry that the inhale embraced, to be released. Let an inhale grab hold, and the exhale be the escape.

If you've never been rocked back by the presence of purpose, this poem is too soon for you.

Not only is he a poet, but he's an entertainer, and a comedian. He concluded tonight, just like in his book 'Live For a Living,' with The Information Man. Tears were in my eyes throughout. Call me weak; I don't care.
After he said those last two words, 'is you,' everyone clapped and I just...sat there. I sat there with tears in my eyes, my heart heavy, and inhaling deep into my chest, trying to let it enter the core of my heart, hoping the exhale would release everything that has been dragging me down day after day. I was sitting, tearing, breathing deep, taking in his words, hoping to be saved, hoping my heartache, headache, and bodyache would cease.
It didn't.
But, I did get a book, poster, and his autograph.

Sun shine brings out the good in me.

I hate a lot of things about my life right now. I mean that with complete sincerity. Like,  I have never hated my life as much as I have this semester. This being said, I find it amazing how much the sunshine and warmth bring out happiness. It kind of just diminishes the pain. Definitely not all of it, but a good amount. The good weather keeps me going just one more day.
That's how I'm taking life now. One day at a time.

Generation confusion

When I first started college, I had some minor issues with my roommate. It was nothing serious whatsoever; it was more like just adjusting to living with someone. Growing up, I always had my own bedroom, so I never had to alter my activities, or anything for that matter, due to the convenience of someone else. Also, it's just the simple fact that one is packed into a small square room with someone whom they have never met before. Chances of things working out are pretty slim. At least for me it is. Girls and I don't get along too well. The way my life is going though, I just don't think I get along great with anyone. But hell, that's a whole other blog entry.
What my intention was is that one thing I had to get used to were her television shows.
Nope, it wasn't Jersey Shore or American Idol that she watched religiously. It's those pathetic soap operas. Nickelodeon, and the Disney Channel.
I'm a fan of Nick and Disney, but that was back in the day, ya know? We had our good times. But, I moved on. We're 18, 19, 20+ years old.
I've come to realize that it is not that odd for a college student (mainly girls) to be fans of Disney and their non-talented celebs. *cough* Miley Cyrus *cough*
As I walk in the hallways of my dorm building, or overhear conversation before classes start, I couldn't count on one had how many times it's about those shows that are aimed at a younger audience.
Why would college kids be interested in that?
Then, the younger kids, watch those same shows, and shows like Jersey Shore, and try and act like them. It's disgusting. Why would you want to be one of them?
With shows like Glee, the actors/actresses are clearly not in high school. They are mid-twenties, I'd say. But, then, you have actual real life high schoolers dress and act like the people they see play those roles in movies and shows. It's just not right. The generations are all confused because society mixes and warps age groups.
None of this may make sense. I"m just tired and ranting. Time to read and sleep. Work in the morning, rugby tournament, then Buddy Wakefield! I cannot wait.

If you care...

about Plattsburgh State, or something like that...go to cardinalpointsonline.com
I write for the Fuse section, which holds the 'Sex and the SUNY' column, and tends to entertain a bit.
I don't know...just a suggestion.

It's out of my control.

Or is it? I feel like this is all out of my control, and what I am referring to is my emotions. How can my emotions be out of my control? They're mine, yet I haven't had a handle on them in...too long. I think I have yet to have a handle on them in 2011.
I feel so foolish when I just lose a handle on everything. I guess a better word for it would be a breakdown. I feel so weak, and I have gotten worse and worse with keeping it inside and all to myself. But, quite honestly, I am terrified about my future. I don't mean in regards to education and my career. I mean, that is one factor, but I am talking much more than that. Yes, I am talking about my personal life.
I made, what I think, is the biggest mistake of my life, at least so far. I don't even know what bigger mistake I could make in the future, but I'm sure I'll prove myself wrong. Anyways, my moronic actions cost me a lot. I lost the most important person to me in the world. Why? Because I got caught up in my own head, doubts, and confusion, and they were only made more dominant later on...
What started as a 'let's just take a break' on my end, turned into, 'just leave me alone. I can never feel good about you, or us, again.'
I was a cold-hearted bitch and there's no taking back what I did. I had hope and faith that things would turn around, and that everything would work out, but that is dwindling away. I'm doing all I can to keep a hold on it though, and pray that I have the power to fix all that I have broken.
How do you fix a broken heart? Your own, and another's?
What makes this all worse, is that when this first happened, not only did I have high hopes of it coming back together, but I didn't feel like I had lost everything. I still had my two best friends. Well, you can say goodbye to one of them because I feel like I discovered all that I meant to him.
The other, I love her with all my heart, and she is the best friend that anyone could ever ask for.
This is a mixed up and emotional entry; my apologies. That is just how my head/thoughts are. I can't escape them. I know that may sound emo, but really, this is just how I feel. I don't know what to do, where to go, who to be...I don't know anything anymore. I honestly just want to disappear. Not to see if anyone cares to come find me. No. I just want to disappear, or run away.
I am so split up inside. I want to be in school, and I can't wait for it to end. I want to go home, and I want to stay here. I want to see those few people left that I love and love me in return, and I want to run away. I want to cry and apologize to him, but I also want to yell.
What do you do when your head is a mess and is fighting within itself?
What the fuck do you do?

Art students, faculty satisfied with success of senior exhibition; By Kaitlyn Affuso

For senior art students, they have reached the make-or-break moment in their college career. Students have two opportunities for their art to be reviewed in the fall and accepted into the spring exhibition.

A workshop model is given in the fall, which is when the "nitty-gritty for preparing for the show is taken care of," Karen Blough, associate professor and chair of the art department, said.

She described the making of art for its showcasing in the spring exhibition as two prongs coming together.

To Blough, the students seem confident, although she knows that stress is a part of the whole process as well.

"It's exciting, but a lot of work," she said.

This semester, students had less access to Myers Fine Arts Building in comparison to past semesters because of the problems in the building. It was closed for some time, so art students were not able to work in the building, taking a lot of studio time away from students.

Aside from the unplanned closing of Myers, Blough said there should never be any surprises for students regarding the exhibition.

"I haven't heard of anyone freaking out," Blough said.

Students said the stress was pretty expected.

Prior to senior year, art major Abigail Penfold said, she always noticed how stressed the upper-classman were when it came to this time in the semester. And this year, it happened to her.

Painting is very time consuming, especially because the painter needs to wait numerous hours for his or her art to dry.

Penfold said she spends a tremendous amount of time in Myers.

"I'm in there all the time, painting all the time," she said. "And sometimes I'm still behind."

Although stressful, there is hope for all of the hard work to pay off.

"It's stressful, but in a kind of exciting way," art major Kelly Merriam said. This was her first opportunity to showcase her art professionally.

Aside from stress, cost is another factor art students have to face when their senior exhibition comes up. Supplies are not cheap.

Penfold said she spent about $250, and that was just for frames.

When Merriam was asked if cost affected her, she let out a heavy sigh and said, "Yes, definitely."

Both painters said the exhibition is important to them, as well as other participating art majors. It is a way to prepare artists for what lies ahead of them.

"Are you going to be able to do this on your own, in the real world, without help from teachers, and without people holding your hands?" Penfold said.

Penfold is already taking her next step by organizing a one-woman show at ROTA Gallery, which will focus on her art only. An artist setting up shows to display his or her art is a challenge but, "That's the real thing," she said.

The art exhibition's opening day was April 16. Ceil Esposito, art museum director, was pleased with the tremendous turn out of more than 350 people, some coming from as far as Buffalo and New York City.

All who attended showed enthusiasm, which was, "a really positive result for the students," Esposito said.

The exhibition showcased sculptures, ceramics, paintings, drawings, graphic design and print. Overall, many pieces of art were sold.

The cost for a piece depends on the amount of time and pricing of the materials used to make the art.

The exhibition's buyers consisted of mainly private individuals, rather than businesses or companies, and all sales were handled between the student and buyer. The gallery does not take commission.

"(This event is) wonderful in that it really demonstrates the in-depth talent of these student artists," Esposito said.

Student art will be displayed in Myers until graduation in May. Students and faculty said they hope more people walk through the exhibit to appreciate the accomplishments of the art department this year.

cardinalpointsonline.com

Zplatt collaborates with Canadian university; By Kaitlyn Affuso

The staff of Plattsburgh State's literary magazine, Zplatt, crossed the border on a day-trip April 14 for a conference at Concordia University in Montreal.

Zplatt staff members and select students in ENG208 attended an international conference and meeting during their visit. The English students were asked to tag along for the trip because of their interest in joining the literary magazine in the future.

Upon arrival, PSUC students and faculty were welcomed with dinner and beverages, served over conversation among the students and professors from both universities.

On the coffee table lay numerous publications of Canadian prose, poetry, plays and some visual arts. PSUC attendees were allowed to take copies to look at in order to expand on their ideas.

"I was really impressed with their program and writing," PSUC ENG208 student Kate Pais said.

Elizabeth Cohen, Zplatt adviser and English professor, planned the entire trip. Since her advisement, there have been numerous advances regarding the literary journal. Cohen was out of town this week and unavailable for comment before press time.

"It feels like there's a new type of energy with the journal," Assistant Professor of English Carol Lipszyc said.

"She really brought students together, and I want to give her all the credit here."

Jill Mann, another ENG208 student, said she plans to join the staff come spring next year, and she thinks it is important to establish a relationship with Canadian universities.

Mann said she thought the trip as a whole was interesting, but it did not match her expectations. The topic coverage was not on the path she had thought it would be, but she considers this trip a great start for something bigger.

Mann said she would enjoy compiling a publication of international works between Canadian universities, such as Concordia U and PSUC. She would also enjoy creating some kind of internship for students that involves international communications.

The conference consisted of an exchange of ideas concerning systems and methods the literary magazine staff uses to produce a quality product. After covering those bases, discussion progressed to how both magazine staffs work before finally turning to Internet media.

Students informed professors about blog sites, Twitter and social networking sites and how the variety of sites benefit literary magazines.

"The conference seemed more for the faculty," Mann said.

And as the group began making comments more meaningful to the students, their time at Concordia had run out.

"I wish the formal conference part had been longer," Pais said.

She was just getting started with her personal input and comments with the Internet topic when they had to pack up and head back to Plattsburgh.

Although Pais said she enjoyed that it was a day trip, giving it a more "laid back and casual" feel, she would have liked it to have started earlier on, so the conference time could have been extended.

Pais said she is interested in the creation of a segregated creative writing major, aside from the English department.

"I know we have the writing arts major, but it would be cool to have this other major with its own faculty and department," Pais said.

Lipszyc said it was nice to have the schools together and saw it as a start to a new beginning.

"We (Lipszyc and Cohen) always talk about creating a writing community," Lipszyc said.

She said she really loved the connections made between the two groups through discussion and poetry readings. She saw it as a great opportunity for students to read aloud to others, besides their peers, and she said she thinks it gave everyone a great insight on the future of writing.

Lipszyc said she was excited to be a part of the trip and to see what new experiences Zplatt will accomplish with Cohen's "injection of life into the journal."

The trip opened up another door for poetry students and the Zplatt staff, bringing them into an even more professional writing world, Lipszyc said, where there is "always a hunger to talk to other writers."

cardinalpointsonline.com

A little dream to add to my mental jar...

I love slam poetry. Some say that they don't think it's real poetry, but it is. It's more modern, yes, but times change. Def poetry came around in the mid-1900's, I believe. Yea, I see that as modern. It's younger than Shakespeare. Don't get me wrong, I love William, but as people change, technology advances, and the world grows, why shouldn't poetry as well? It doesn't mean that sonnets, villanelles, sestinas, and all those other forms go away. They are still there. They are an option poets still have to write with. It's still an option readers and listeners still have to search for. Slam poetry is just an addition, an advance, to the poetry world.
It's harder than you think. I don't think that these writers always get the credit they deserve. I understand when hearing it, some may think, ugh, rap...but listen to what is being said. It's not just f***in' hos, drinkin' patrone, and ridin' dirty in an escalade. It's pain, suffering, heartbreak, abuse, rape, politics, education, war, love, hate, depression, confusion, history, change, wants, needs, and so much more.
It's hard to write. I have tried, and I plan to continue trying because this form of poetry is just too damn cool.

April Breeze

 *I read this when I feel like giving up, even though I am the one who wrote it*

A soft sensation contacts my skin.

Kisses are laid upon my shoulders, face,

any part of me exposed.

Gentle fingers comb my hair,

and let it twirl around them.

Closing my eyes feeds this sensation.

An omission of sight, strengthens all I feel.

Soft arms embrace my waist,

keeping me close.

I feel beautiful.

Raising my arms, hands on head,

holding my brunette waves away from my face.

I let my head fall back,

looking to the stars, an open smile.

Freedom lies within my bones.

-Kait[lyn] Renee Affuso

Success?

This little poetry road trip was in a way a success, but in others, I guess not that productive.
Starting from the beginning, the woman who organized it, did not really organize it. The whole event was a cluster-fuck, for lack of better words. She had told students participating to meet in this one designated parking lot around 3:00pm. Around? Really? How about we set a strict time and a more specific location than the parking lot. It's a pretty big lot. Plus, a lot of us did not know each other, or who was driving, so how were we supposed to know what their cars looked like? By 3:30, we were on our way off campus, which was shocking. We didn't even think we would get that far. There was a 'scare' that there was not enough room in the cars for all of the students. Good planning, right?
Then, we all got separated while driving up there, which was expected. The president of the club was driving the professor's car because she said she's not a good driver. He hit a pole and dented her car, so she was having a conniption.
Coincidently, we all found each other on the campus. This was a very strange coincidence. I mean, this is not a small campus. We're not talking the size of the beloved Houghton College. Try more like NYU. We are in Montreal, ya know? So, as my group was waiting for the elevator to come on the main floor to go up, it arrived, the doors opened, and out came the two other car loads of people that we lost. "What the f...?" Yeah. Weird.
So, we gathered and traveled up to the sixth floor. We went in some little room with coffee, wine, finger foods, and a wall of windows overlooking the city. We outnumbered the Canadians. We had about 15 students, they had about 8, plus about 6-8 professors in all.
We mingled, picked at food, drank some wine, looked at their soliloquie books and literary journals. I even got to take them, so I have six of their products and am eager to look through them. They are packed with prose, poetry, visual arts, short stories, and plays. I am smiling just thinking about reading them. When? God only knows when I will have free time.
Anyways, after our little mingling session, we took into a full-blown conference room where we exchanged ideas, tips, and how we run our own literary staff/journal. Followed by our swapping of systematic matters, we went around the square created by four banquet tables and read our own poetry. This is what I was most nervous for, but it turned out to be a breeze with no pressure at all. Thank you, Lord. I only read one poem of mine, under 60 seconds, and no one threw objects at me. My poem was proceeded my a 'golf clap' and other student's poetry.
That took up about 20-30 minutes, and then we got on the subject of the media going on the web, of course. The talk was very interesting. I didn't add much in because I was more of like a guest. I'm not even on our literary magazine staff. I'm just in the prof's poetry class, and she likes me and my writing. Plus, I will be on the staff next year.
The conference came to a close, and we loaded the cars to head back to the good ol' Pburgh. Let me tell you, my car was awesome. I met two new people: Brandon, a junior, and Gabby, a senior. They were so much fun. The car ride to and from Montreal was the farthest from awkward. We were all just a bunch of funny, outgoing kids. It was awesome to spend time with some new people who were really interesting and fun to be around. It really made the trip as fun as it was.
It was great to spend continuous hours with a true smile on my face.

Montreal!

[This is a picture I took in Montreal Friday when I went for my birthday]

I am going back there today with ZPlatt, Plattsburgh's literary magazine staff. I was invited by my poetry professor to go and read one of my poems. So, I am at 3pm today. I'm pretty nervous. I never share my poetry, so hopefully it goes well, and I don't get tomatoes, or any other kind of objects, thrown at me.

Soda cups.

Yes. I am blogging about soda cups right now.The size titles just annoy me. Here's why:
I hate when a food place has different sizes of drinks and the smallest is 'medium.' That doesn't make sense. How is it medium when it's your smallest size? The titles are in relation to their comparison to the other available sizes. So, how can it be a medium when it's the smallest size? What is it medium to? It is smaller that the large, but no bigger than any other size. Therefore, it should be small.
This just bugs me, and I felt like sharing it with all the people that read this blog, which is no one.
Have a swell Monday!

Dream Art Project

I wrote a poem, probably about a month ago. It's kind of like my duende, I guess you could say. Anyways, it's about how I want the world to be, or more like, my world. I have this whole vision of how I want it showcased. I want a big, and I mean big, black square frame, with a pitch-black background. I will need tissue paper, my poems words printed in a easy-to-read black font. All the words will be cut out individually. I also need a tree branch, and blue, green, white, and purple lights. Therefore, I will need electric to be run into the top of the frame. (Dad, I will need your help!) Font size will vary, and words won't be placed in alignment.
I want my vision to come to life.

“Personality Reflection" (I guess I still need revisions, so it hasn't been published yet)

By Kaitlyn Affuso

When the thought passes that life can’t get any worse, or that I am at my lowest, everything seems to get worse and then, there comes another fall.

There are much worse things than three-hundred miles separating two people in love, but it seems to be a dominant conflict breaking me down.

What is worse is doubt filling the mind on only one side of a relationship, while the other lies clueless.

Not all bad things in life are mistakes. Not all negative feelings are wrong. Sometimes change is needed. There comes a time where you have to find yourself. I have found that making mistakes leads me to be stronger, or take the next step in life.

We are too young to let people, or anything else, control us. (No, I am not implying an overthrow of the government, or breaking laws.) You have to set your goals and go out to accomplish them. Breaking through the conflicts along the way is hard enough, let alone dragging someone behind you.

Often times, I find myself in plain misery wondering if I have made the right decisions in my life so far; this only seems to hold me back. I am getting the feeling that there are times in a young life when ‘flying solo’ is not a bad thing at all. I imagine that it will allow me to focus on myself, what I want, and what I need to do to get to where I want to be.

A common phrase is saying to ‘never let go.’ But why? So, we do not have to be alone and handle situations solo? That has always been a fear of mine: being alone. But, as time passes, I think that that may be what I need.

 Letting go can create strength, and I feel as if I have grown weaker over time. I think strength is needed to really see who you are, what you want to do, and where you want to end up. You cannot focus on yourself in the mirror when you are not standing alone. Everything else pulls your attention.

Let go, look in the mirror, and look at yourself.

It seems that hesitation and fear are what draw a person off track. One may have the instinct that they need to separate themself from certain ties in order to figure out all that they want, but the unknown consequences scare them away from that break. They do not know if they will end up regretting leaving that person, or if they will ever be back together. Life can go in any direction, and more often than not, I feel like I do not have control over it.

Then what? We go on living in wonder. We may forever wonder of what could have been, where we would be, what differences could have become from us taking a chance and making a change.

Stepping away from familiarity into the unknown is dangerous, but so much can come out of it. Whether it is good or bad, a lesson will be learned from it. We learn from mistakes. So, how do we learn, if we do not make any?

Ever have the feeling that you have so much to say, but cannot find the words? Maybe you have so many thoughts, but you cannot match them together to make one piece, one complete thought. That inability to articulate emotions is fear. That inability is the curiosity, wonder, hesitation, and fear wrapping around your thoughts.

Often times, in relationships, a dominant conflict is trust.  I have found myself saying that I trust him; I just do not trust everyone else.

Very recently, I have found that to be false. It’s not everyone else I don’t trust, it is just me. I do not trust myself because I do not know who I am, what I want, where I want to go. I need to let go and relocate.

So, if you are feeling lost, look in the mirror. Look as deep in yourself as you possibly can and don’t let anything or anyone stand beside you. What do you see? Do you know who are? If not, relocate.

I haven't used this blog in a long time!

I never come on here, but I guess is it doesn't really matter because no one reads this. Regardless, I just felt like saying hi, I guess.
Life has changed a lot for me since my last post. It's changed a lot in just the past couple weeks, and I wouldn't say that it's for the better either.
I'm now single, which just sounds so strange to me. I haven't said that since I was 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. But, I suppose you could say that I am getting by. I am truly living my life on cliches. I repeat the optimistic ones in my head, and they seem to get me through every day.
I am making myself believe that everything does happen for  a reason, and that everything will work out in the end. If everything's not okay, then it's not the end. If you are destined to be with someone for life, you will be. Life may take you through a maze to get back into their arms, but if that's where you're meant to be, you'll get there.
I know these all sound lame, but whatever works, right?
I'm keeping myself busy as a freshman at SUNY Plattsburgh with my 18 credit hours and a part-time job at a local Subway. I'm a sandwich artist. Things have started to turn up in some ways here. I'm not so alone now. I have become pretty close with the girls I work with, and I have a lot of fun with them. They help me not be so damn depressed while I'm 300 miles from home and everything and everyone that I've ever known.
I'm still writing for the school paper, Cardinal Points. We're one of the best college newspapers in the nation; Represent! (; We're on twitter and have our own website: cardinalpointsonline.com So, check it out!
Speaking of, I need to go work on a story that is due tonight, and I still need at least two more sources, ugh! Plus I have class in a half an hour, and have to whip up some foot longs from 2-8. I have a busy day, but I don't mind. It's the business that's keeping me sane.
More eventually, I'm sure.

NCCCA welcomes artists, community

By Kaitlyn Affuso

Staff Writer

Published: Friday, February 18, 2011

Updated: Friday, February 18, 2011 11:02

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Jaime Thomas/Cardinal Points

The NCCCA, located on Brinkerhoff Street, offers plenty of activities for children and adults, including dance and art classes.

For anyone interested in the arts and looking for something to do, the North Country Cultural Center for the Arts is the place to be. They are located right near campus at 23 Brinkerhoff St.

The NCCCA holds many different events from art shows to parties, camps to lectures.

Just around the corner is their big annual New Year party, the 400 Club Fiesta. It will be held at the center on Feb. 26 from 6 to 10 p.m. Tickets are sold in couples for $100 each, and automatically enter ticketholders into numerous drawings for a chance to win up to $5,000.

Not only are there drawings for the big bucks, but great food catered by the Adirondack Soup Company will be provided.

"It's a lot of fun, and the food is great," Anne Donahoe, NCCCA staff member, said.

Monthly, the center hosts an exhibition opening. These exhibitions have showcased a variety of art and artists. They have displayed local work, and featured artists from out-of-state and out of the country.

The genres of art vary from month to month, but the event always includes wine, hors d'oeuvre and punch.

The majority of the work displayed is available for sale, unless otherwise marked. The profits from art sales not only support the artist, but the NCCCA as well.

The Stonybrook Gallery and Seton Academy Exhibiton opened Jan. 29 and will end on Feb. 25. This exhibition showcases a variety of art including pottery, paintings, and jewelry. "All the kids' projects are up in the art room," Alison Della Bitta, NCCCA staff member, said.

The NCCCA also hosts free guest speaker lectures to the public. These lectures are often led by local artists, who typically discuss projects that they have done.

The arts center holds camps, courses and workshops, appropriate for all ages, are open to the public.

A winter camp for kids is being held during their break in school and has a circus genre.

"They will be studying paintings of the circus" and other activities related to this topic, Della Bitta explained.

For adults, there are workshops and classes as well, which include an open studio for drawing, making jewelry, Zumba and yoga. They also have a new addition of Poi fire dancing, which Della Bitta finds to be "something that's pretty exciting."

Instructors must qualify to instruct each particular workshop. They have tended to be local artists in the past, but some have commuted almost an hour to instruct a workshop.

With only four people on staff, the NCCCA is always looking for volunteers to help with cleaning, working in the gallery and organizing the mailing lists. The NCCCA is open to the public.

An article from my local paper: The Press Republican.

February 14, 2011

Sentimental journey goes on

'I've never felt any different than I did on the first day we met'

ALYSE WHITNEYPress-Republican

PLATTSBURGH — The evening truly was made for dancing.

Leroy "Roy" and Eileen Smith were on their way home from a shindig.

"Neither of us had danced enough yet, so we just pulled over to the side of the road," Roy said, his bride of 69 years at his side, "and I took the radio right out of the car and set it on the hood.

"We danced there for so long that I wore a hole right in the bottom of my shoe."

It comes as no surprise that, in 1941, Roy and Eileen, neé Sullivan, met at a dance. They danced all night at the Malone Grange Hall, not parting ways until the band stopped for the night.

Later that evening, Roy told a friend, "See that girl I danced with? I'm gonna marry her someday."

'VERY LUCKY'

After being inseparable for the next year, he made good on his word. On Jan. 5, 1942, he married Eileen in a double-ring ceremony with their best friends, June McKinney and William Fitzgerald, as attendants.

Over time, they were blessed with seven children, 17 grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren. Even after all of this time, Eileen, 88, said that nothing has really changed.

"I've never felt any different than I did on the first day we met. He's always been so good to me and good to the children. I am very lucky."

Roy and Eileen remained inseparable, doing everything together, whether grocery shopping, housework or snowmobiling. For 30 years, they ran a dairy farm in Burke — Eileen even got her own tractor so they could work together.

Once, when her tractor was getting fixed, Roy let her borrow his new one.

"It had all the bells and whistles on it, just like a car. After she tried it, she didn't want to get back on hers," said Roy, who's 90. "She said, 'Can I just keep this one?' and I said, 'You can have whatever you want.'

"I still let her have whatever she wants."

LETTERS EVERY DAY

For Roy and Eileen, one of the secrets to a lifelong, happy relationship is the little things.

Early on, he was shopping with friends in Massena when a hand-embroidered dress caught his eye.

He said he marched right inside and said to the girl in the shop, "You're about the size of my wife — what size are you?"

He bought the dress and, for his two years of U.S. Army service in World War II, carried a picture of Eileen wearing it.

The photo, in pristine condition, sits at his bedside in his room at Meadowbrook Healthcare in Plattsburgh. How did it survive the war in such good shape?

"I put it in my duffel bag and wrapped it up in all of my clothes," Roy said.

Throughout their marriage, Roy and Eileen have been separated only twice.

World War II parted them from June 1944 to May 1946; and now, after surgeries for hip and knee replacements, Roy requires 24-hour care that Eileen is not strong enough to give him.

So he lives at Meadowbrook.

"We wrote letters every day when Roy was in the war," Eileen said.

"We never missed a day," he added.

But letters are not enough now.

'HAVE TO HUG'

One of the Smiths' daughters drives Eileen the hour from Burke to Plattsburgh three times a week, just for the chance to eat lunch with Roy and chat for a few hours.

"And we have to hug," Roy said. "We always have to hug."

Eileen wants to move into Meadowbrook with her husband, but space doesn't allow that right now.

They miss each other deeply.

"I used to wake up in the night at home and see she was up, so I would go sit on the couch with her, put my arm around her, and she would curl right up and go to sleep," he said. "I can't do that now."

"I wonder if I'm going to be able to get through this if they don't get us together pretty quick," Eileen said. "When you get older, it's hard to be separated after all of these years together.

"It's not fun. I would hide under the bed to stay here."

POLKA WITH A NUN

And though dancing is more a memory now, what a memory it is.

Folks would go to wedding receptions just to see them dance, said their daughter Madonna Smith.

One time, she organized a parents weekend dinner at Mater Dei College in Ogdensburg and asked Roy and Eileen to dance and get everyone started.

"It was rock 'n' roll music, but they got up and danced anyway," Madonna said. "Before you knew it, everyone was up dancing!" Madonna said.

"Even the nuns were dancing," Roy added. "I danced polka with a nun."

Roy and Eileen also loved to travel. After their 25th anniversary, they went on a road trip with Bill and June, the couple with whom they'd shared their wedding day. They visited 11 states, driving until they ran out of money.

LOVE

When Eileen was in labor with their first child, Roy was told that he could go to work for his overnight shift and come back for the birth in the morning. In his rush to get to the hospital, he trod heavily on the gas pedal and found himself trying to outrun a state trooper.

"I said to myself, 'I think I can get them all right,' and I left them right out of sight," Roy said.

"When I got to the hospital, Eileen had already had Mildred, but the trooper followed me right into the hospital. He tapped me on the shoulder and said, 'What kind of motor you got in that car? I had the trooper car right down to the floor, and you walked right away from me.'"

LOVE AND KISSES

Bottom line for the Smiths, it's love that cements a marriage.

"You've got to love them every day of the year," Roy said. "There wasn't a day that I didn't hug and kiss (Eileen). You've got to tell them you love them and mean it!"

Eileen's advice is to always try to work things out.

"You can't fight and argue about everything. Never forget that you are husband and wife and you love each other. If you love each other, you can work anything out."