Or is it? I feel like this is all out of my control, and what I am referring to is my emotions. How can my emotions be out of my control? They're mine, yet I haven't had a handle on them in...too long. I think I have yet to have a handle on them in 2011.
I feel so foolish when I just lose a handle on everything. I guess a better word for it would be a breakdown. I feel so weak, and I have gotten worse and worse with keeping it inside and all to myself. But, quite honestly, I am terrified about my future. I don't mean in regards to education and my career. I mean, that is one factor, but I am talking much more than that. Yes, I am talking about my personal life.
I made, what I think, is the biggest mistake of my life, at least so far. I don't even know what bigger mistake I could make in the future, but I'm sure I'll prove myself wrong. Anyways, my moronic actions cost me a lot. I lost the most important person to me in the world. Why? Because I got caught up in my own head, doubts, and confusion, and they were only made more dominant later on...
What started as a 'let's just take a break' on my end, turned into, 'just leave me alone. I can never feel good about you, or us, again.'
I was a cold-hearted bitch and there's no taking back what I did. I had hope and faith that things would turn around, and that everything would work out, but that is dwindling away. I'm doing all I can to keep a hold on it though, and pray that I have the power to fix all that I have broken.
How do you fix a broken heart? Your own, and another's?
What makes this all worse, is that when this first happened, not only did I have high hopes of it coming back together, but I didn't feel like I had lost everything. I still had my two best friends. Well, you can say goodbye to one of them because I feel like I discovered all that I meant to him.
The other, I love her with all my heart, and she is the best friend that anyone could ever ask for.
This is a mixed up and emotional entry; my apologies. That is just how my head/thoughts are. I can't escape them. I know that may sound emo, but really, this is just how I feel. I don't know what to do, where to go, who to be...I don't know anything anymore. I honestly just want to disappear. Not to see if anyone cares to come find me. No. I just want to disappear, or run away.
I am so split up inside. I want to be in school, and I can't wait for it to end. I want to go home, and I want to stay here. I want to see those few people left that I love and love me in return, and I want to run away. I want to cry and apologize to him, but I also want to yell.
What do you do when your head is a mess and is fighting within itself?
What the fuck do you do?
No comments:
Post a Comment